Eyes wide shut

Benjamin Franklin said the key to a happy relationship was going into it with your eyes wide open, then half closed afterwards! I love Franklin’s pithy practical wisdom and don’t we all have some homespun common sense that we believe will make our relationships work better. However, there is actually a more effective relationship strategy than acquiring funny anecdotes.

Marriage researchers John and Julie Gottman found that they could predict within 15 minutes of a couple’s conflict whether the partnership would succeed long-term or not with 88% accuracy. You’re probably saying to yourself, “Wow! How could they predict that? What did they find that was the key to such amazingly accurate relationship forecasts?” I said the same thing when I first heard about it in graduate school.

The answer my friend is not blowing in the wind, the answer is in the interactions of the couple during conflict. The Gottman’s found four critical behaviors they called the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse were ultimately responsible for relationship failure. These four relationship killers are: contempt, stonewalling, criticism, and defensiveness. Unfortunately, once these behaviors are present they can create a reinforcing cascade of negative dynamics that are hard to escape.

Despite the difficulty, there are simple tools and behaviors that couples can implement that can turn you from a ‘disaster’ to a ‘master’ in relationships. In a subsequent blog post, I’ll share more about these tools found in the Gottman’s Sound Relationship House model.

Justin Ledford, MA LAPC

Reference

Gottman, J. and Gottman, J. (2017), The Natural Principles of Love. J Fam Theory Rev, 9: 7-26. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12182